A prayer of contrition and confession – because the weather is all my fault

January 29, 2011

Satire

By Charles Redfern

Verily I confess unto thee, O Lord, my manifold sins and wickedness, for I fear I’m the center of thine wrath and, in drawing such anger, hath visited Connecticut with collateral damage of biblical proportions – for yea, I was the one who scorned and trash-talked your servants in and near our nation’s capital last winter whilst they were smitten – even as they closed their schools with the mere whiff of the threat of foul weather.

Alas, my slander did not abate when those delicate ones fell prey to real snow.  I even insinuated that New Englanders are of hardier stock and I dropped hints that they were “wimps.”  Forgive me, O Lord.  I did scorn those frail flowers in e-mails.  I did disparage their brittleness on Facebook.  I did mock them, revile them, and ridicule them – and I did it all for “the fun of it.”

Have mercy upon me.

Lo, I fear I am like Jonah on the ship, who drew upon himself thine wrath in the form of a storm, and the storm did not ebb until his mates threw him over the rail and he sunk low until a great fish swallowed him and vomited him upon the land.  Be gracious unto me.  Send me not into the bowels of a fish.  It stinks there.  The atmosphere is foul.  Regurgitate me not onto distant shores.  Avail me, instead, of thine manifold mercy.  Smile upon me though I deserveth thine disdain.   And I hereby pledge, O Lord, that I will never ridicule your fragile ones in and near this great nation’s capital again. 

I beg of you, looketh not behind me, where we both know my fingers are crossed.

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About Charles Redfern

Charles Redfern is an ordained clergyman specializing in healing and conflict transformation. He lives with his wife and son in Connecticut.

View all posts by Charles Redfern

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4 Comments on “A prayer of contrition and confession – because the weather is all my fault”

  1. Jessica Mokrzycki Says:

    Hahaha! I loved it! Great post!

    Reply

  2. Andrew Gerns Says:

    I absolve you, my son.

    But as you no doubt know, you will doubtless need absolution next winter and the winter after that and other winters after that.

    Here is what happens. You remember your toughness trudging to class during the blizzard of 1978. You remember your resolve as you dealt with the Blizzards of 1995. You have forgotten your whining and your grumbling in these and other hard winters past. You only remember how well you handled it, so when you hear Washingtonians or others whine, you say “piffle! I have survived worse!”

    In time you will look back on this winter, remember your resolve and determination, you will forget your weakness and your fatigue. You will call others wimps. So when you are tempted come next winter or the winter after that, look back on this post…and remember, you wimped out once. Well, at least once that we know about….

    Blessings,
    Andrew+

    Reply

  3. chuckredfern Says:

    Except I wasn’t there in the Blizzard of ’78, toughing it out in England.

    Reply

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