By Charles Redfern
Verily I confess unto thee, O Lord, my manifold sins and wickedness, for I fear I’m the center of thine wrath and, in drawing such anger, hath visited Connecticut with collateral damage of biblical proportions – for yea, I was the one who scorned and trash-talked your servants in and near our nation’s capital last winter whilst they were smitten – even as they closed their schools with the mere whiff of the threat of foul weather.
Alas, my slander did not abate when those delicate ones fell prey to real snow. I even insinuated that New Englanders are of hardier stock and I dropped hints that they were “wimps.” Forgive me, O Lord. I did scorn those frail flowers in e-mails. I did disparage their brittleness on Facebook. I did mock them, revile them, and ridicule them – and I did it all for “the fun of it.”
Have mercy upon me.
Lo, I fear I am like Jonah on the ship, who drew upon himself thine wrath in the form of a storm, and the storm did not ebb until his mates threw him over the rail and he sunk low until a great fish swallowed him and vomited him upon the land. Be gracious unto me. Send me not into the bowels of a fish. It stinks there. The atmosphere is foul. Regurgitate me not onto distant shores. Avail me, instead, of thine manifold mercy. Smile upon me though I deserveth thine disdain. And I hereby pledge, O Lord, that I will never ridicule your fragile ones in and near this great nation’s capital again.
I beg of you, looketh not behind me, where we both know my fingers are crossed.