I was walkin’ down the street when this gorgeous, saliva-dripping reptile says to me, she says, “Honey, help me help you …”

January 4, 2011

Culture, Satire, Uncategorized

By Charles Redfern

I could have been doing something constructive – like finally writing the sermon that’ll grip the hearts of millions, catalyze spiritual renewal, bring peace and harmony, and solve all the world’s problems in one fell swoop.  But hey, it was Saturday evening – and Saturday evening is Saturday evening and this particular Saturday evening was New Year’s Day.  Nuts to the world-saving sermon.  I wanted some tube time, so I flipped on the idiot box and watched “V,” which stands for “Visitors.”  I had never watched it before.

One thought echoed as I viewed the evening’s calamity and mayhem: “How did the show’s original creators pitch this thing?”  My inquiring mind wants to know – which is why I’m requesting comments on this blog.  Really.  Tell me.  I beg of you.

The thick plot

How do you convince network producers to throw millions of dollars into a show that features alien lizards disguised as humans suddenly appearing in a ship over the city and assuring the world’s populace that they mean no harm?  And the world’s populace responds by saying: “Oh.  Well.  No worries then.  We’ll do our chores while your larger-than-aircraft-carrier vessel ominously defies gravity above our sky scrapers”?  Only a tiny fraction of the gullible populace doubts the motives of these seemingly benevolent aliens – who, after all, cure some diseases – and forms a “fifth column,” headed up by FBI counter-terrorism expert Erica Evans, played by the gorgeous Elizabeth Mitchel, who died on Lost to get this part.

And the plot thickens …  

Sit down.  Take a breath.  Take another breath.  I’ve got shocking news:  These disguised, emotionless alien lizards have … sinister motives.  No kidding.  Cross my heart and hope to die.  Anna, their leader (played by the gorgeous Morena Baccarin), is plotting to (brace yourself) take over the Earth.  The off-stage stylists have given her face that “dazzling lizard” look, soon to be all the rage.  She’s attractive, sultry, and ever-so-slightly reptilian.  Maybe she’ll slip into something more comfortable and snap a fly from the air with a two-foot long tongue.  Creepy – and even more so when we learn that comely Anna laid thousands of eggs meant to hatch soldiers designed to … take over the earth.

Morena Baccarin.  Laying eggs … Get me out-a here!

But we can thank our lucky stars.  FBI Agent Evans catches wind of all those eggs, which make gooey, slushy noises while incubating in one of the hovering vessel’s cavernous rooms, and, with the help of a disguised alien lizard now aligned with the fifth column, tosses a bomb and kills Anna’s progeny. 

Whew!

But there’s a wrinkle: Anna suddenly feels human emotion and wants revenge.  She’s resentful (“Come on, Anna!  You can always lay more!”).  She presses a few buttons.  The Earth’s atmosphere begins to change and a slew of other vessels are uncloaked and …

Stay tuned

It’s a veritable cliff hanger.  What will happen to us?  Will we humans finally see the error of our ways?  Will we shed our gullibility and fight back?  The “scenes from the next episode” only drop vague clues while hinting that the two beautiful antagonists will face off, directly, in the fight to save the world.  Meanwhile, future episodes will somehow explain how one of the good disguised alien lizards mated with a human, who bore him a … uh … something with a tail (that’s all I know and, frankly, that’s all I want to know) …

Remember the question

All of that is to say: How do you pitch an idea like this?  Tell me.  Please.

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About Charles Redfern

Charles Redfern is a writer, activist, and clergyman living in Connecticut with his wife and family. He's currently writing two books, with more in his head.

View all posts by Charles Redfern

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One Comment on “I was walkin’ down the street when this gorgeous, saliva-dripping reptile says to me, she says, “Honey, help me help you …””

  1. Andrew Gerns Says:

    You missed the original big-hair 1980’s version on SyFy. Now that’s television.

    Reply

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